F
ishmageddon
Author: Hunter Shea
What’s better than a little deep sea carnage? Well, in the case of They Rise with its bad-effects cover and straight from the late-late show divorced couple forced into an uneasy truce thanks to the end of the world, pretty much everything.
I seem, as usual, to be in the minority on this one. Usually when there is a creature-feature gorefest book, I am there with my popcorn at the ready. I am one of the few who will own up to loving the corniest horror movies and defending them relentlessly, seeing the soul beneath all the bad effects, stilted lines, and predictable deaths. I’ve seen (and own) all the Sharknados. For goodness sake, this is (or at least should be) my jam.
Except, well. Except I hated it. I found myself lying on a beach with friends, this book tucked into my weekend carry-on, wishing I had brought anything else.
It begins as end-of-the-world fishmageddons always do: someone is at the wrong place at the wrong time when an old, old leviathan rises to the surface and begins to put the chow in chowder. Only two scientists in the world could really know what is going on and what it means. Of course, they were once married to each other and now bitterly divorced. One of them (the ex-wife whose name isn’t worth remembering) just so happens to be in a sub at the time these frankenfish begin rising from ocean vents. Global warming has churned up the oceans just enough to push these beauties out of a millennia old hibernation. And they’re hungry.
Meanwhile, the alcoholic, overall good-fishing-buddy, dad-joking ex-husband, Whit, has dedicated his life to the chimera (aka ghost) fish. These prehistoric baddies may be ugly, but they’re harmless. Whit is the world leading expert on these fish, so when his ex starts to witness the ravage of their evolutionary big brothers, she has to bite the bullet and make an awkward phone call.
Fortunately in between the jokes and a ship full of topless babes getting eaten, the two scientists are able to rekindle the old flame just long enough to literally call the Navy in and do some daring near-misses to save the entire world. If only they could have worked together like this before . . .
Like Sharknado, this is a story that is self-aware. It plays to the tropes, but unlike Sharknado, the brilliant madness of creature feature comedy doesn’t come through. It’s stiff, and awkward, and overdone. Worst of all, at only a little over 150 pages it’s too long and just plain boring. They Rise tries so hard to evoke every B-movie trope out there, and it succeeds too well. There are no surprises, no moments of tension, nothing interesting. You know who is going to die, who will enter screen left next, what they will say to each other, how the one “light” moment of humor will dispel the depression of a literal boat load of death, and that the heroes will defeat the monsters in the end. You know the conclusion will depart from all logic and the way the real world works (because the Navy is going to let an alcoholic ichthyologist with marriage issues tell them exactly what to do.) It’s so bad that it’s just bad. Did I mention boring? Tedious? Unexceptional? Copy-and-pasted? I could go on.
They Rise is beloved by many horror fans and creature feature lovers for its humor and creative gore. Me, not so much. Honestly, if you want a clever story that’s willing to play to the tropes we all know and love, Jeff Strand is your man. This one is a definite pass in my mind. I was lucky to make myself finish it.
– Frances Carden
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